Today’s Funniest Standup Comics

Time to mellow out a bit (which is basically an excuse to tone down from all the ranting).

Here’s a list of today’s funniest standup comics along with a couple of their popular lines. You got a problem with this list, let me know and…nothing. Just let me know. I’ve had enough trouble with my affordable android tablet pc already, you all need to be friendly and to stay cute.

Dave Chappelle

With such immense talent, it’s no surprise Dave Chappelle started doing the rounds in night clubs at a very young age of 14. Also, he’s the black guy from the Chappelle’s Show.

Terrorists don't take black hostages. That's the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, 'Uh...they is treatin’ us good. Uh we chillin and shit. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!
Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

Aziz Anzari

The guy from NBC’s Park and Recreation. I would hate but sound weird, but don’t you find him sexy? Of course he is.

Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.
My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. Theres candles in the car. You goIs that dangerous? and I go, Yes...but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, Aziz, your cars on fire. Arent you upset? I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.

Sarah Silverman

I super love Sarah Silverman and her intelligent satires!

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion…and it turns out I was just thirsty.
People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I’m white!

Kevin Hart

It’s interesting how Kevin Hart often gets booed onstage in his formative years. Obviously he would later find his rhythm and is now one of the most beloved standup comics.

The day Rick Ross dives into the crowd, is the day we find out who his true fans are.
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.


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